Fourth of July and Big Changes

Last night, on Fourth of July, Brian and I thought it would be cool to play with the exposure on my camera and some sparklers. I didn’t really know what I was doing, but the pictures still turned out pretty cool — even if you can’t quite tell that it is our names we were spelling. At the very least, it was fun whirling flaming sticks around in the dark.

So much has been going  on lately, it’s kind of crazy. A couple weeks ago, Brian and I graduated with our bachelor’s degrees from Eastern Washington University. A few weeks after that, we packed up our apartment and moved from Cheney back to the Tri Cities area. Currently, we are staying with some friends who graciously lent us the upstairs area of their duplex until Brian gets a job and we are able to get a place of our own. Once that happens we’ll be moving again, albeit this time it will just be an in-city move. Then it will be a mixture of hurry and wait until the baby arrives in September.

I have so many mixed feelings about graduating. On one hand, I’m beyond thrilled to finally have my bachelor’s degree, am relieved to no longer worry about grades and homework, and am so excited to start this new chapter.

On the other hand, I’ve been in school for most of my life and I’m feeling a bit reluctant to leave this phase — not only because I don’t know what is coming next, but also because I have loved it so much. Learning brings a deep sort of joy to my soul … I don’t quite know who to be without it. Sure, I can always continue to learn. I know this. But without the late nights, the teachers, the classmates — even the homework — it won’t quite be the same. Even if I go to grad school some day, which I am planning to do eventually, I know that I will never be able to return to these days. My heart aches from the knowledge. As I push forward into the unknown, eager to see what awaits, some part of me still hangs back, listening to the whispering song of the past.

I’ll settle in soon enough, I’m sure. Recently my heart has been restless, but that is mostly because I feel like we are in such a state of limbo right now, existing between homes, unable to move to the next step because we aren’t quite certain what that step will be. I’m anxious to find a new home, move in and start anew. Only then will I be able to begin to breathe again.